A Moms Love Is Forever and Always !!
 I posted this to my Facebook site this morning, want to share on my blog. My Son would have been 40 tomorrow, he committed suicide Feb 28, 2012.  Has been so hard to know that my child was so unhappy that he took his own life. A healthy happy boy who somewhere along the way became an addict, fought to become clean and sober for many years. Had been so for a couple of years, he was still clean and sober when he jumped from the Balboa Bridge in San Diego. The last conversation we had 2 weeks before he said, He as so tired of the fight to remain so ! There are some things a Mom can not fix for her children!

 December 31, 1974 I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of a baby, back then we did not know what the Baby's gender would be. I only knew I was 8-10 days overdue with the Dr predicted a large baby ! That was oh so correct ! At 11 PM that night we were on our way to the hospital, at 5:08 AM January 1,1975 I delivered a 10lb 4oz , 22 1/2 inch baby boy who I named Jason Dean Runnion, Dean having been my deceased brother's name ! The first New Years Baby in Wayne County, Ohio. This New Years will be much different for me, I know you would be happy for me at this stage of my life with so many changes these last few years ! attempting a new life far away from my Texas home and Family of 37 years, working on a new relationship at my age ! Never thought that would happen, life is so full of pot hole and detours ! There is still an ache and a sadness in my heart for you not being here where I can pickup the phone and here you say, "I love you Mom, don't worry I am fine" ! In my innermost being I know you are fine the hurt is for me now, after so many years of hurting for you ! Accepting your decision has been the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life, there is the promise of an eternity together, this I hold onto ! Love you Forever and Always, Mom

Life Is Full Of Change ! Some Good and Not So Good !

My life has been turned upside down beginning on Feb. 21,2012 when my Son committed suicide. So very hard to grasp the idea that your child was so unhappy that he no longer wanted to live. A few months later in July my Husband was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, had a successful surgery, then suddenly had a heart attack in recovery. After treatment he was declared cancer free, an answer to prayer. In Sept. that same year my Son-In-Law of 25 yrs had a massive heart attack in the middle of the night and was gone, to be found by his teenage daughter. This was all too much for my Daughter,  caused her to have a mental breakdown she was hospitalized for a short period of time. Today she is working and enjoying being a first time Grandma. Tragedy for me was not over, on Feb 28,2013, 53 weeks to the day of losing my Son, my Husband went to work and 3 hours later he was dead of a massive heart attack ! This brought me to my knees so to speak, calling our 7 children was so very hard, but it had to be done ! Through all of this my Family, Church Family, and close Friends helped as much as humanly possible, but it was my Faith in God and my Relationship with Jesus that ultimately kept me from losing it mentally and physically !
Due to Bobby's health we had discussed what I would do should he die, I had an opportunity to sell our place just a few weeks after his death. I had said I would return to the place of my birth, Holmes County,Ohio. My Sister had a friend who had recently lost an Aunt in the small Ohio town of Killbuck where my Mom and Dad were brought up only a few miles from my Dad, Mom, 2 Sisters, and a Daughter. Closed on my Texas property in May 2013, closed on the Killbuck house on June 15 and headed back to Texas to sort through 30 plus yrs of things. A Family Friend agreed to drive the 26ft U-Haul to Ohio, there was just enough for his small motorcycle which enabled him to have a vacation ride on his way back to Texas. God was preparing me for this big change in my life long before I knew it was coming. I had a Ministry to Victims of Domestic Violence which I had been doing for 15 yrs, I no longer really enjoyed what I was doing. It had become more of a burden than a satisfaction of seeing lives changed by His power. It was very hard to leave my Texas Family,Friends and especially my Church Family, but I had been away from the Ohio Family for 38 years, I was ready to move back. 
On June 23,2013 we pulled into the driveway at my new home, the Contractor was still working on the upgrades, he would return 2 more times in Nov 2013 and Apr 2014 to get the changes finished.My Cousin pulled in the drive shortly after I arrived, she had food, drink, and helpers to unload the truck. So I was once again living in Ohio, with the change of having Family in Texas that I missed. My Daughter said a few weeks ago on her return to Texas after a quick trip for my Dad's Celebration of Life that the two states should be closer together.
I guess the things that have been the hardest is finding a Church, making new Friends which is not easy at 71, I have wonderful Neighbors and am trying to fit into a small  town where most everyone has lived their whole life, I find it is not quite as easy as it was in 1998 when we moved to Buffalo,Tx.
There is 4 good changes that have happened this year, I am the proud Great Grandma of 2 Girls and 2 Boys. Would I have not moved so far away if I had known about them ? That I can not answer for sure, I have made 2 trips back to Texas in 2014, have another on planned for Spring 2015.
Thanks to a hard working Husband I am financially secure, I can travel and see some more of this great Country. Thanks to a loving God that has never left me, I am making my way on this new path of life without my partner of 26 years ! I miss him and often find myself getting upset with him for leaving me, especially when there are hard decisions to make or something needs fixed. Then again I can hear him saying,"I am not a Plumber, Carpenter, or Electrician ! I am a Truck Driver" !
I am attempting to move on without my Son and Husband, I will not lie, it is not easy, many a sleepless night the tears flow and the questions of "Why" ? One day I know they will be answered.
I do want to mention I did do a Grief Share Class of 13 weeks the latter part of 2013, it helped me tremendously to realize the feelings I was having were normal. Grief is a process, it can not be rushed, we each have our own pace, The important thing is to keep moving through it, not get stuck in the middle somewhere !
I am still living, Bobby would want me to live my life to its fullest, he was a friendly loving person, a little rough around the edges, but the heart of a Teddy Bear !
So as I sit here wishing Christmas was over, I am looking forward to the New Year. A part of me is excited to see what it will bring, the one thing I have asked and prayed about is, please God no loss of a close loved one this year. I know Death is part of Life, but for 2015 can I have Life ?

                                                  Willis Howard Miller  Aug 11,1921 - Nov 18,2014

                                                
                                                       Bobby Joe Threet Mar 1,1940 - Feb 28,2013

                                                     Jason Dean Runnion Jan 1,1975- Feb 21,2012

Gone       Never Forgotten       Always a special place in my heart      Till We meet Again

Nothing to Fear, But Fear Itself !!

I know this seems like a contradiction of words in my title, but in searching for new things for my 2nd Support Group to work on I kept hearing the word fear in my spirit. Seems lately more than ever people are fearful. Fear of losing jobs, fear of rising cost of every thing we need to sustain life, the news media and the President feed our fears daily. I have found myself not listening to the news as it does nothing to build my inner self. Fear and Faith can not and will not operate in the same place. When we allow fear to enter into our thoughts it pushes faith out. In time if we do not pray through what is causing the fear we will soon no longer be operating from a position of faith. When this happens it will cause a discord in our walk with the Lord. The two most important things that please God is our faith and obedience to His Word. I had a notes for a sermon on this very subject, but at the present time I have misplaced them. When I find them I will go into more detail of the cause and effect that fear plays in our walk with God. If you are reading this and have anything to add that the Holy Spirit may show you please share it with me. On a personal note we finally have some rain for our dry dry ground, so today I mowed and worked in the flower beds. I have finally started my comforter I have had the blocks cut for several weeks, but too busy to start sewing them together. I am determined to lose the 20 lbs I have put on the past 2 years. Please pray I will be faithful to excercise and eat healthier. I need to do this as my BP and Chlor. have both risen, not to mention that the extra weight cause my me back and leg pain when I stand or walk for long periods of time. SO since I intend to live to be a 100 I must take better care of my physical body. I have also learned that when I am lax in the natural it tends to spill over into my spiritual life.How about you out there do you find this to be true ? Until next time, "KEEP YOUR EYES ON JESUS!"

I Never Got What I wanted !! Or Did I ??

How many of you are always wanting to get something you may not have?
 Be someplace else ?Always wishing it were a different time in your life ?
I spent many years always wishing, often praying that I could be in a different place and time in my life. Today I can say this is the best time of my life !! I have learned to be content with where I am and more importantly WHO I am. Having Jesus as Savior and Lord has had a dramatic effect on my life ! I received the following poem from a Sister in Christ , it addresses what I have been writing. read this with an open mind and heart, let God speak to you, let this time today,tomorrow, and the future be your best time ever !

It was Spring, but it was summer I wanted

The warm days and the great outdoors

It was summer, but it was fall I wanted The colorful leaves and the cool dry air

It was fall, but it was winter I wanted

The beautiful snow and the joy of the Holiday Season

It was winter, but it was spring that I wanted

The warmth and the blossoming of nature

I was a child, but it was adulthood that I wanted

The freedom and the respect

I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted

To be mature and sophisticated

I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted

3 Questions We Ask About Life

Want to share a little of the message from NewPointe Community Church in Millersburg,Oh this past Sunday.

1. Why am I here ?   God had a plan !
     Eph 1v4 (Msg) Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had us in His mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, to be made whole and Holy by His love.

   God's plan was for us from the beginning of time to Worship and Praise Him. For Him to shower     His is love and blessing on us as we are faithful to Him.
 Psalm 139 v 13-16 (NIV) Tells us He knew us when we were in our Mother's womb. God makes no mistakes we are all here for a purpose. 
So to answer the question of why I am here, God wants me here for His purpose and pleasure.

2. Does my Life matter ?   Do I have Significance ?
    Of course we do ! Ask your Children if you matter ?
   Most of all we matter to God ! In Matthew 10v 29-31 Jesus talks of sparrows and how the Father knows if one of them dies. How much more he cares for us, so far as to have the hairs on our head numbered.  We are valuable in His eyes !  How do we see ourselves ?

3.  Is there a purpose for my life ?  What is God's intention for me ?
     Jer 29v11 (NIV)  He has plans for us, to give us a future and a hope
    Eph, 1v11-12 (MSG) It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for
 
 As Christians we must come to the conclusion that we are a special and called people to bring Glory to God who in return, blesses us and gives us Eternal Life if we Believe !

Now we have to choices !
1. Speculate on the above questions and answers !
    Are the true ? Yes/No/Maybe

2. Surrender !
    Stop trying to do it your way !
    Give God control of your Life, see what happens.

You may say I am a Christian, I know Jesus as Savior !
My question to you > Is He Lord over all ?

Only you know the answer, God sees and knows your heart !

Until next time, "Keep Your Eyes On Jesus"

Merry Christmas ! Ready Or Not ?

Christmas is 19 days away and will soon be here ready or not, in the natural I am prepared.  Tree is trimmed in Turquoise and Silver with white lights, very pretty. Decorations are scattered throughout my home, every room has its own Nativity Scene, but my emotions are not ready ! One more Family member missing this year, my Dad passed over to the other side on Nov. 18th. He saw many changes in his 93 years on earth, he was not much for "change", very set in his ways ! I see myself becoming more like him in many ways, not so much the change part, but organized almost to a fault, do not like waiting on someone, you best not be late in picking him up, he would be sure to tell you to the exact minute how late you were. After he received Jesus as Savior, his life did a complete turn for the better, he seldom had an unkind word to say about anybody. He was quick to tell you how Jesus had changed his Life for the Good.
Getting back to Christmas, I do tend to wander, I have decided no shopping this year ! I have 50 plus immediate members in my Family, I told them a couple of years ago, "Stop having  Babies" ! Lol   They did not listen, 4 Great Grands this year and Grand # 22 will be here in April !  So I had a "Light Bulb" moment a month or so ago, in place of Christmas Presents this year I am going to the Bahamas in April !My present to myself !
Besides the fact that for the most part all of us have gotten away from what CHRISTmas is really all about. Oh yes we say Merry Christmas and get upset when others say Happy Holidays ! That should not take anything away from how each of us "Christians " of how feel about this time of year that has been set aside to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child !  Yes we know He was not born in the Winter, the 3 Wise Men arrived months after His birth, the time was set to con side with the Pagan Holiday celebration of that time. Does all this really matter ? Is not what is in our Heart and Spirit that matters most. No one can take away this precious time of year unless you give it away.
 This is my third year in a row to have lost a precious Family Member, no I do not feel like celebrating, but I will celebrate the birth of my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. There is sadness and sorrow in my heart over the loss of my Son, Husband, and Dad, but Death is a very real part of Life. Wish it did not hurt so much, grief has a way of taking us to a place we really do not want to go.
My Prayers are for all who have lost a precious one this past year, the Holidays, Birthdays, and Anniversaries are tough for us !
Life for us left here does go on, so this Christmas will be different for me as the past two have been, but God knows my heart !  There may be tears in my eyes, but my heart is ever so thankful that God gave Mankind the very best Gift ever, His only Son, Jesus Christ  !!